My Struggle With Infertility

Hello my friends. The unpacking in continuing and I'm making a lot of progress. Today I got my office set up. I have my desk decorated to my liking and it feels so good to have a clean office to write my blog in. Before the desk I was writing at the dining room table, but a desk it so nice. The office also functions as my craft/sewing room and I love how I've organized.

I want to make a confession to you now. I'm sure some of you know this and I knew that sooner or later I was going to have talk about it. I suffer from infertility. It's not something I'm proud of or like to admit. My eggs don't mature enough to be able to become pregnant. I didn't find this out until June 2019. After about three and a half years of trying. I was devastated. I was mad at God. It didn't help when I saw all these horror stories on the news of children being abused. I asked Him, "Why can they have kids, but I can't?" Why did He allow all this to happen. I had been struggling with my faith already with negative pregnancy test after negative test. And when I found out that I couldn't. I almost lost my faith entirely. Now I know that I wanted control over my life and I couldn't have that so I blamed the best thing in my life for it, God. But I had to give my need of control up and let Him be in control. And it wasn't easy.

Just so you know, I don't want a pity party. I just want to share that even if things don't make any sense to us and seem ridiculous. God has his reasons and knows exactly why things happen. So we have to trust him and I have to hand it over to him. I have to try not to look at everyone else's blessing and let the enemy have a foothold in that. I hated what that did to me. I became a jealous; ungrateful person. That's not who I am. I've always been someone who was so overjoyed for people. The enemy almost took that away and I could have became bitter. All because of things I don't understand and couldn't possibly understand. So why get so distraught over it? Why let it change me? Why let it take away so much when I can't change it?

God is so good though. He's so so good. I began to realize that I didn't deserve what He did on the cross; So how can I be mad about this. I don't deserve the clothes on my back, but he provided them; So how can I be mad about this. I don't deserve Him, but He died for me. He paid a debt that I could never pay. So how can I be bitter? How can I be so focused on this one thing; when He's already given me more than I deserve. He loves me. He wouldn't let me hurt for no good reason. He is FOR me. He is my everything. I still hurt sometimes, but He has healed the wound. We don't deserve Him guys. But He loves us. That alone should make us smile. Life is hard sometimes, but don't zone in on that. Look at the big picture. God is FOR you! I'm smiling in knowing that today.