A Kneeling Testimony
I have a testimony to share that was the result of kneeling before God everyday for a month. Let's start with what happened on day 30:
I click 'post' on my documented 30th day of kneeling. I breathe in - it's over. I had done it. "Well done," He says, with a voice so clear. I take some deep breaths, trying to calm the tears. I have to get on with my day.
While folding laundry a realization washed over me. The pain that I was carrying for years, the anguish of not being able to have a child, it was gone... Somewhere in the dropping of burdens, I had dropped this too. With an unfolded towel clutched to my chest, and with tears streaming, I collapse to my knees. As I kneeled there, I said it outload with a reverent realization, "I dropped it." When? How? I go to my husband and tell Him with joyful tears.
When I go back to folding laundry, I hear it: "He who kneels before the Lord is blessed." This is the sentence He told me that inspired this whole kneeling challenge. And the way He said this, it made me laugh. He said it in a 'I told you so' tone, not snotty, but in a joking, loving sort of way. As if He were shrugging His shoulders. I cry, but it's a laughing cry. This feeling... it's indescribable.
There's something else that happened through this challenge. If you read my 'day 17' kneel, you would know that I had an MRI. This is what I wrote on that day:
'They took pictures of a gland in my brain to look at a rise of a specific hormone. They think this hormone elevation could be the cause of my infertility.'
Now this is very funny because normally I wouldn't share something like this and had no intentions of doing so, but that day, when I sat down in front of my computer and said, "Ok God, where should I start," He said, "MRI." So, I couldn't not add it, plus it was a part of the story He was telling me that day.
I got the results on my anniversary, and I thought it was going to end up in that day's kneel, but He wanted me to withhold it. I was happy to do so, because I am naturally a very personal person, but I knew eventually He would want me to share my testimony and it just so happens that this lines up nicely with 'the dropping of pain' testimony. {Definitely not a coincidence, but Godly intervention}
So, my results? Well, turns out I have a tumor on my pituitary gland. It's benign, not cancerous, but it is the reason for my infertility, as well as a slew of other issues. I think it was sometime before I found out the reason why I can't have children, that I dropped the pain that it had caused. I had given it to Him, all of it, even the pain, which I hadn't done before. Maybe, He was waiting for me to trust Him completely before this could happen.
After all, my doctor said that's usually the first thing they check when you go to the doctor for infertility, but none of my numerous doctors thought to do this - why? I think I know the why now. I needed to drop it and in order to do so, I need to drop to my knees every day. If you guys have been following my infertility journey, you know just how big of an impact this makes. I never really knew the why, not until now.
There's one other thing. My doctor originally wasn't going to perform the MRI at all. After a patient hits 30, they normally disregard infertility. She told me this on the phone and asked me to go to a Japanese doctor to see if they can offer that for us. But weeks later, she called me saying that she's been thinking about me.
Let's stop there a second. A navy doctor that sees probably hundreds of patients... said she's been thinking about me. Tell me that's not divine intervention!
But anyway, in that call she said she wants to go on and do the MRI. This was all God's plan. And me, when I was in the midst of waiting, refusing to find joy, I had no idea this was coming.
Typing this out now, I remember something else: When I was originally told my eggs don't mature, going on 3 years ago, I went home where I cried and cried. While laying on my bed feeling hopeless, He told me that I was going to defy odds and I had a vision of Him handing me a child. This was my promise He had made to me. How easily I forgot it.
All of this was a lesson. It was the path I needed to go on, yet in the middle of it, I didn't trust. Looking back now, I'm thinking, "How could I NOT trust?!" I do now... I trust Him completely.
All of this proves something He had told me on my 29th day of kneeling:
'With every step on this path called my life, with every step, He is leading me home.'
He is leading me home. My life on this Earth is not about me. It's about Him! I'm living out a story, a testimony, that revolves around Christ. This is true even when I can't see it or feel it - even when my hope feels lost! This is true. How selfish I've been...
Before I could find out the why I can't have what I most desire, I needed to desire Him more. I needed to see that it isn't about me! "You increase, I decrease." I'm whispering right now.
The things I used to care about so strongly, I dropped at His feet, proving to Him that I care about Him MORE! I care about Him more...
If you haven't joined me in my kneel challenge. It's not too late. I'm still doing it. I'll link the new Facebook group I made for it here:
And if you want to go back and read the 30 days that got me to this revelation, I already put them all in one blog and will link it here:
My friends, go and seek Him today. It's so worth it. Find the joy that comes with doing so.
